1. i can see it in the way my room starts to look like mine again. how in every part of you that is ripped from these four white walls, i start to find parts of me. images left long ago, from before i let you skew, warp, change the way i saw about myself.
2. i can see it in casual happiness. in how i carry myself in the world knowing that i’m finally okay, away from you. not feeling your weight like a breath of fresh air deep within my lungs, in and out of the mindset you wrought.
3. i can see it in the way you compared me to my father. i’ve never been actually stabbed before, but i’m pretty sure that was pretty close. like, you know, it’s not like i spent 8 months or so telling you how afraid i am of him and how turning out like him is worth than death, but i guess when you’re mad, you can apparently say whatever you want. by the way,
4. i can see it in the way i don’t feel mad. i don’t feel abused, i just feel used. like i was there because i loved you so much you didn’t have to take the time to properly love me back. i was a vessel on the brink of sinking, and all you could do was stand aside and complain.
5. i can see it in the way i could so vividly picture no longer being alive, how waking up at 3 pm became normal, emails unread, tests untaken, skin scarred, yet all you could do was be mad. in a moment when all i needed was patience, you rushed for me to return to a state where i could be of service to you. and by the way, that fender bender wasn’t that bad. you didn’t almost die. stop playing the victim.
6. i can see it in the way i finally love again, and you couldn’t bear the thought of me moving on, like the idea of us not being together was so foreign, you have to step in. like it’s your prerogative to police my mind, but only when it’s not benefitting you. strange.
7. i can see it in the way that i don’t really miss you. i’ve cleaned my room, taken a shower, i don’t smoke anymore. because i guess with you gone, i no longer need to forget what’s right in front of me.